All But Words

“There is a singer everyone has heard,
Loud, a mid-summer and a mid-wood bird,
Who makes the solid tree trunks sound again.
He says that leaves are old and that for flowers
Mid-summer is to spring as one to ten.
He says the early petal-fall is past
When pear and cherry bloom went down in showers
On sunny days a moment overcast;
And comes that other fall we name the fall.
He says the highway dust is over all.

The bird would cease and be as other birds
But that he knows in singing not to sing.
The question that he frames in all but words
Is what to make of a diminished thing.”

– Robert Frost, the Oven Bird

I recently bought a poetry collection. I thought it’s a rite of passage to really understand English, which has replaced Chinese long ago as my main language of use. But to be very honest, I really struggle to understand many of the verses there – as a non-native speaker, the beautiful construction of poems may always evades me.

There is this one though, that resonates with me (maybe also because it’s just easier to understand). It captures the melancholy towards the lapse of time. The oven bird singing of the departure of spring – oh what to make of a diminished thing! It’s from the good ol’ Robert Frost, whose poem “the Road Not Taken” was selected into the Chinese textbooks in my junior high.

I recognize that there is this tendency in me, a tendency to be melancholy, to be pensive, to be lost in my thoughts – sometimes too much so. It could be a good thing really, as some framed it as “the positive trait of being able to appreciate nature”. I try not to romanticize this version of myself, but who can resist to be sad when there comes another fall we name the fall?

What follows this is also: I’m about to embark on a 4-week trip to Asia. I’ve been to Japan already twice by now, spending over a month there, and I’ll be spending 3 weeks more this time. What’s weird, however, is that I am feeling anxious, with the supposed excitement in the past absent. I know it’s because of the autumn sadness, the recent ending of a relationship, and the question looming over me – what do I want my life to be?

It’s a question my therapist posed today as one to think about when I walk in the Kyoto temples. The situation is rather exacerbated by her increase in therapy fee, though. The bare thought of ending this therapy relationship doesn’t help.

It’s of no use to ponder this question too much, as there’s never an answer. It also takes time to figure out – it’s a journey that cannot be accelerated.

All these land on why I’m starting this blog. I really want to write more, to tell more about my stories – the stories in my head about my family, my relationships, my immigration journey, and my life.

So here it is: it’s the start of a journey.